Interior Monologue

Time is slipping by and I feel like I'm not doing enough. I've got the resources, age, excitement, life and a mad desire. Yet, I sit still..not doing the many things I've wanted to do. Whatever happened about my backpacking through Italy, trying bungee jumping, scuba diving, travelling to wild and exotic places, meeting all kinds of people, publishing a tiny book of poems, visiting the 7 wonders of the world, driving up to Leh, skinny dipping, getting a tattoo, perming my hair, learning Portuguese or Arabic or Persian, going to a synagogue, living a couple of months in New Zealand, going camping, dining in a filthy expensive restaurant in France, relaxing with cocktails at a breath-taking beach, seeing sea-turtles or dolphins or polar bears, flying business class, visiting the temples of Nepal, snow boarding, driving an auto..and some more. My burning desires, the things I wanted to do when youth is on my side, are sitting in some corner of my mind collecting dust. I've not made enough friends, I've not cried like I was going to die, I only laughed till my stomach hurt once a month, I've not done enough wild things, I've not tried so many foods..sigh. What's happening to me? I've become one more of those people who simply lets life go by them trying to climb my way up to some stupid monetary, socially acclaimed pedestal. But is that my only achievement? What about the wonders that life and this world has to offer? Will I not atleast get to do and see a fragment of the things I aspire to??

I'm feeling this urgency growing inside me. My heart is blistering with this mundane, common-place life I'm leading. The achievements are all pointlessly ephemeral. I'm not going to carry memories of a scholarship to my death bed. I'll more likely think of Egypt, the ruins in Syria, car drives to the Turkish border, the cobbled road in Lincoln, our walk up to Arthur's Seat in Edinburgh, my semi-backpacking in Kerala and the impromptu 7 hours in the Colombo International Airport (yes, how boring! But weirdly entertaining). I have this all-consuming passion to do the things I want to do before I die. Now that I have a life-partner I want to share them with him. I wish we could do the many things I want us to do before our time runs out. I want us to hold hands and walk on the Great Wall of China, trek up the hills in Latin America, learn a dance form together, go skinny dipping in the Maldives, live for a couple of months in some exotic country, try strange food in Eastern Europe..there are so many things we must do together. When will I find time for them?? In this endless humdrum of research work, his business deals, you earning money (and me spending it!), family, plans for the future, our deadlines..where will the time come!? I want me, us, our families to have memorable experiences in our hearts before we die. I want to celebrate living life with my partner. I don't want us lost in accounts books, data files, meetings and presentations. I want us to experience the joy of living - together.

I've decided to write a list of all the things I want to do, prioritize them, figure out what I want to do alone, with family, and my partner. That should offer me clarity. My passion, laughter, optimism and resourcefulness (not to mention fiance's credit cards) should be fuel enough. I'll squeeze life for all it's experiences' worth! And when I'm dying, I can say, "Oh yeah, baby. I lived, alright! Lived it with the right guy, right children, family, friends and..the in bestest way ever!"