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i've only a small question to ask you, sweetie.
when you heard my voice did you feel a certain happiness? coz you see, baby, i've not heard you show any happiness. why do you make happiness sound so commonplace..so matter of fact, baby?

you know what, sweetie? you played your game with me. you checked whether i still love you (and you know i do), made sure that i'm bursting with joy when i speak to you, wanting to hear you say the words that you miss me..and sometimes, i'll yearn for you to tell me you love me. how i enjoy every moment i spend with you!

you won your game, baby. you got your checklist all taken care of with my (expected) reactions. so when i tell you i'm happy because of you, you tell me i should be. but, you see sweetie, i should be the one asking you the questions.
are you happy with me in your life? coz i don't see you showing any happiness about it.

The Love Of My Life

there was a landscape
of sadness to
scale..

a vast field of apparent
unending memories kept
playing like a movie
i needed to forget;

why did you do this?
what have you become -
a horror i find
surprising.

there was once a heart,
a heartbeat, a streak of
red..

but now i only see the
spoils of our constant
unhappiness, our unfortunate
disharmony.

the blood that you drew
from the throbbing of my
spurned love
must be washing your cold feet

while i'm sitting here
writhing in the vicious clutches
of thoughts, love and flashs of
memory replaying.

i wish you would one day
realize what i mean to you,
i hope love's simple truth
will clear your maligned heart -

i will be there
no matter what.

at that time,
i pray that your tears don't
break from your eyes,
but slip down the sides of your
tired, confused
heart.

Bosco

He's my child, my lover and my best friend.

He's the small bundle of joy that came along less than a month after my grandfather passed away. He brought our family together..he's the adhesive that, at times, helps us stay together too. I remember the day when we went to actually just look at these lovely brown pups that were born a month ago. Bosco was the meek, shy, sleepy pup who didn't yelp when I picked him up and set him in my lap. You know what? He slept there and he looked so peaceful. I knew we were taking this baby home.

Bosco was brought up by me, trained by me (and I suck at that!) because for his first 2 years I was at home. He knows me so well that when I call him one of the weird names I come up with, he comes running coz he knows I'm calling for him! So far I've called him bujjikanallu (this is his other name now, anyway), bujjilu, boscolu, boscoji, tobosco, jhingchakka, tring-ling. He knows me so well, loves me so dearly and he is what my father calls my 'Hutch network'. He's everywhere I go!

When Bosco gets angry, even when it's with me, he bites my father!! My father finds it amusing that Bosco won't let anyone yell at me. He gets so upset! He's the barometer for how things are within our family. When we fight, Bosco gets sad and sits in a corner. When we are crying, he comes licks our faces. When we are tired and sleeping on the floor, he comes and sleeps in the crook of our arm. Bosco is love personified, devotion taken a step further and a constant we all should have in our lives.

The day I was packing my suitcase to leave, Bosco was sitting in my mother's lap licking her and persuading her to stop. He came and sat in my lap and looked so sad. I've never seen that kind of heart-rending sadness before. I suppose, only animals are capable of exhibiting their emotions in the most pure way. We humans are so caught up in perceptions and other cagey ideas. I visited home in December, Bosco didn't let me move for 15 minutes. In fact, I had to sleep on the ground so that he can lick me, nip me and bark at me until he was satisfied. My father was laughing so hard when he saw that. My father and Bosco are an unusual pair. Bosco taught Daddy how to express his emotions, he is dad's weakness! He's mom's release for her unending love, someone she turns to when no one is at home..he's helped her be braver.

Bosco has a meaning for all of us. He's taught all three of us how to love. He's shown us how important life is. He's the cheerful, kind dog that I've always wanted. And yes - he is my child, my lover and my best friend for always.

Nanna

I used to call Nanna a 'vacation dad' for a long time. During the rage that comes naturally to rebellious adolescents and the confusion of young adulthood, my father watched me use him as my 'personal thumping machine'. I've said horrible things to him, I've disrespected him, I've dishonored him and I've called him a lazy coward. He has borne my wrath with quiet dignity and a love that is much beyond what a father is normally believed to be capable of.

He is the man who has taught me about forbearance, loyalty toward people you love and what it is to sacrifice your life for the sake of your family. He has weathered 14 years of aching solitude for his family's comfortable lifestyle. When I think back to the things daddy has done for me, I can only see this mountain of support and love he has provided me.

He is a man of great integrity. He has never told a lie, silently bore the ridicule from stupid people, has had the utmost patience with Mom and I, knows when to have a good laugh and has not once made mention of the fact that I've spent so much of his hard earned money. I ran away from my first master's programme and he hasn't uttered a word of the large price he had to pay due to my ambivalence.

Encouraging. Honest. Faithful. Spiritual. Wise. Smart. Strong. Always open to change. That's what my father is. I can never thank god enough for this great father. This man who has goaded me to do what I want to do, who has allowed me to discover myself, gave me the space I needed, not once has dishonored my right to secrecy and has kept me always intellectually stimulated. When I broke down and told him about my sexual assault, he absorbed the horror of it with character. When he discovered my 'naughty habits', he didn't stop me..only counselled me. He helped me find my own ground. He has helped me stand my own ground.

He is the friend that every child should have in atleast one parent. He is the parent that every child should be able to talk to uninhibitedly. He is the guide that every child should find in their parent. He is the love that every child needs to experience.

Amma

When I asked her what happens to food after I eat it she told me that there's a grinder in my stomach and each blade of this grinder is a god and these gods break down my food for me.

I once had a major health related problem. It got so bad that my hands had reacted to some homeopathic medicines which resulted in them swelling up with a bad rash. This was 10 days before the dreaded 10th grade exams. My mother silently wept for me, slept by my side and suffered with me.

I hated my two years in high school. I had a typical fat chick's high school life like it's shown in movies. I lost my cousin and aunt that year, there was a huge wedding in the family at that same time. I didn't go to school for 3 months because I was depressed. Teachers thought I was stupid. But she pushed that all away telling me to take my own time. She understood.

My uncle called me abominable when I was 14. My family thought I was stupid to take an arts subject. Everyone laughed at me when I dropped out of my master's course in India. They laughed harder when they gotto know I was going to England to do a master's in an arts subject. They made fun of me because I cried for home when I was in England, rebuked me for coming home twice in the same year and said mean things about my family. Many people think I'm a spoilt only child with rich parents. I told my mother I'm gonna earn my own money because all these people make me feel ashamed of being daddy's little girl, she just said this - But you are daddy's little girl, what's wrong with that? Esp because you're lucky to be one.

She calls me up whenever she coughs, sneezes or wakes up in the middle of the night because she imagines that I was calling out for her. Mother's keen sense for her children, she says. She simply checks on me, shyly says she loves me and hangs up.

I love my mother. I cherish her. She has helped me be a child, be innocent through her innocence and she's helped me preserve the human quality in me called love.